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Melanoma Skin Cancer:
 Tim's Story
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Tim and I had been divorced for a few years and I had remarried to a man named, Lonnie. Tim called me one evening and asked me to take him to the doctor, because he had to have some test done. They wanted to see why he had been having stomack and back problems for over a year. He had to be medicated for the test, so he needed someone to drive him home. I said yes without giving it a second thought.

We knew there was a chance that it could be the cancer coming back. I took him to the hospital for the test, and that wait in the waiting room seemed to last forever. The doctor finally came into the waiting room, and asked me to step into the hall. (He had been "our" doctor before this.) I knew by the look in his eyes, he really didn't need to say anything to me. We talked, and he suspected it was the melanoma, but it was internal this time... It took all I had not to burst into tears right there in the hall. We'd been on this road before when it was on his back, and I knew the odds were not in his favor. I went back into the waiting room to wait for Tim. I was holding it together, until a sweet lady, I had been having conversation with asked me if it was the cancer. I burst into tears on the poor lady. About this time, Tim and a nurse entered the room. Tim was still very medicated, and was looking very funny at me, like he couldn't understand my being upset. The nurse asks me to come back with them. She was brining him out to me, but decided I needed to come back to pull myself together. She was right. I got it together, and we were walking down the hall, Tim was smiling and talking, I knew the medication was the reason, so I joked with him,and said I though I needed some of what he had. I got him home and offered to stay for a bit, but he insisted he was okay. I knew how his pride worked, so I sent my mom over to his place, because he had asked her to clean for him and I thought this would be the perfect afternoon for her to be there. (I think he knew why I sent her.)

The way this affected me, did not get a good reaction from Lonnie. I think my falling apart, and being willing to help Tim in any way I could made Lonnie insecure. I won't try to argue either me or Lonnie's side on the issue, all I can say is he felt how he felt and I did what I had to do. The next year was a very trying time for all of us. I worked part time, and went to school full time. I was also trying to balance the kids, Lonnie, the house, and taking care of Tim. Tim did buy a house just around the corner from us, so that made it easier. It also gave the kids the chance to spend a lot of time with their father. By the end of Nov. 2001, Tim was needing more care, and I had to make time for it, so I quit work. I am very glad that I am the one who got to take care of him. I would have done anything for him, and it was killing me that he was dying. I have been through a lot in this life, but nothing prepared me for what I was facing. I had to watch my childrens father, a man I had known since I was 17 years old, and had been married to for 10 years, who was very strong minded, and proud, fall away to being very sick and dependant. He did as much as he could for hisself for as long as he could, but I know he lost pride for what he could not do. I think watching him loose his ablilty to eat was one of the hardest things. He loved to cook and he loved to eat. It is hard to see something slowly suck the life out of someone, especially someone you love.

I tried very hard not to cry in front of Tim, it did happen, but it made him feel bad, so to keep from causing him the pain of seeing it, I tried my best to be strong in front of him. That was not always easy. He was very matter of fact at times. One evening, about 1 1/2 weeks before he died, I called to check on him. He bluntly said that he was ready to die. It really caught me off gaurd, and I went into tears. He said, "Deb, don't cry, I'm sorry", I told him not to apologize to me for dying of cancer, then I told him I would call him back. I could tell my reaction was hurting him, and he was in enough physical pain without having to deal with mine.

As if Josh and Samantha didn't already have enough to deal with; Joshua's 6th grade teacher added to Joshua's pain. All of the kids teachers had been informed about their father. They also knew to send the kids to the office if they had any issues in class, especially if they started to cry. Josh had missed part of an assignment and the teacher scolded him about it in front of the class. It caused Josh to cry. Most people would have understood that any added stress to what Josh already faced would have, but not this teacher. The teacher then got annoyed and loudly told Josh, also in front of the class, "If you're going to cry then go to the office". I can't even tell you what it did to me to have my son come home and tell me how this happened. I was beside myself that a teacher could be so cold hearted toward a little boy who was watching his father die of cancer. The way the teacher choose to handle it also put Josh at risk to be teased by classmates. I called the school and I told them that if anything ever happened again like that I would be pressing formal charges against the teacher for being cruel to my child.

About this time, Tim went home to his parents farm. They lived 3 1/2 hours from us, but I was glad he was going to be there with them. I knew they would keep me informed, and they did. They called me the Thursday before Christmas, and told me the doctor was giving him 24 hours to live. His parents asked me to stop by his place to get his suit... that was really really hard. I stood at the closet, knowing why I was getting it, and I went to tears. Our daughter came in to see if I needed help, so that got me back to where I needed to be, and I got what we needed and we went to my sisters, so she could go with us and see Tim too. Us arriving, and his seeing the kids, seemed to bring him back. My sister stayed that night, and said her goodbyes to him, and drove back home the next day, because she had to work. She and Tim were close, and this was really hard on her too!

I barely left Tim's side through all of this. He kept saying he was looking forward to Christmas Eve, which was when we were celebrating Christmas. I knew he was holding on for that, because it was his favorite holiday, plus I think he was also doing it for us. I had been a CNA in a nursing home, and I just knew that if he was holding on for a day, then that would be our last with him...

A good distraction we had, was his parents dog had just had puppies. They were adorable, and there happened to be just as many puppies as there were of us. When we needed a time out from reality, they were it. We were also all coming down with strip throat or colds. Samantha had the worst by Christmas Eve.

Tim seemed to be in high spirits Christmas Eve, he sat up in a chair, which he hadn't done in a couple of days, and he seemed alert, and happy. He had asked his mom for a certain calendar, (all the kids get one each year), I was standing behind his chair when he opened it, and he hugged it and said, "you got it mom", like it was the most important thing in the world to him. My immediant thought was that he was not going to get to use this thing he was holding so dear, and I went outside. No one noticed, because I go outside to smoke, and I didn't want them to notice, because I didn't want to ruin the time they had left with him. Later that night, when I watched the kids kiss him goodnight, it tore me up inside. The memory of that will forever be embedded into my brian, because I knew it would be the last time they got to do that.

My former sister-in-law and I were dicussing, (in the dark, because everyone was asleep), who was going to sit up with Tim to start out that night. I was telling her it didn't matter to me, because I was not going to get any sleep anyhow, when all of a sudden, a flashlight, just came on. There was no one in the room but us and Tim, and he was in bed asleep. We have no logical explination why it came on, but it was shinning right on us. I choose to believe that it was his favorite grandmothers way of letting us know she was there to help him crossover.

There were 2 chairs in the room besides the bed he was in. My former sister-in-law said she wanted to sit with him for awhile, so I got in the other chair. I drifted in and out of sleep, but then he started asking for me, and I am not sure of how much time had passed before this, but I told her she could go onto bed if she wanted to. I got in the chair next to him and he seemed to be asleep again. I drifted in and out for a bit, then he started talking. I got up on my knee's, so I could hear him more clearly, but he was not making sence. He was rambling off numbers and calculating stuff. (He was an engineer, I think he was "working".) I just laid my head on his shoulder, to let him know someone was there. I could see him, because the moon light was coming in just right. He asked me for some numbers, I said, "what numbers", he turned his head to me which made me look up, and said, "Deb, I need those numbers now!" I didn't know what to do, so I rattled off some numbers to him. This went on for awhile, then he started asking for this and that. His brother came to help me. We did everything we could to help him.

Tim went into a coma type sleep, and seemed to be resting good. We just quietly stood there by his bed waiting, for what seemed to be forever. His breath started getting more shallow and further apart, so we decided to get my former sister-in-law, and his parents up. I ran back to their room, and told them it was time. The 5 of us stood around Tim, with our hands on him until he took his last breath. He passed very peacefully, which was least he deserved after his year of suffering. I think it helped us too, that he did not suffer more at the end.

We were all still standing there with tears, when Samantha got up. Her fever had spiked, so she was coming to get me, I seen her out of the corner of my eye, so I went to her, but she already knew why we would all be standing there. I routed her to the bathroom hoping to get her medicine into her, before answering her about what was wrong. Finally she looked at me with tears and said, "What's wrong mommy". I started to cry and told her that her daddy was not in pain anymore. She cried, but I got her to take her medicine, and we woke the other kids up. We took them into the kitchen, and we all talked. I finally asked Josh and Samantha if they wanted to go in and say goodbye to their father, and they did. They held each others hands and entered the room. It brought tears to my eyes again. I cried more that night, that I think I have ever in my life.

We got the kids settled, and into a rear bedroom, because they were coming to get Tim's body. I asked my former sister-in-law, if she would be okay with the kids, and she was, so I stepped outside to smoke. It was a very calm night, which is not usual for at the farm, normally the wind was blowing, and it had been cloudy that day. When I stepped out, the clouds had backed off, almost like a circle above the farm, the wind was still, and as I looked up my thoughts were, the angels had cleared the way to bring him home. I cannot explaine the feeling of amazement I was having, I softly whispered Goodbye to Tim...and out of nowhere, I could hear what sounded to be him, whisper Goodbye in my right ear. It startled me, because I was not expecting it, but it didn't scare me. I don't want people to think that I normally hear voices, all I can say, is that I heard it. Be it because it was Tim, or because God thought I needed to.

The funeral was hard, but my former sister-in-law had gathered pictures from all of us about a month before hand, and she made copies of them, to make a beautiful memorial board, (after the funeral they were put into a scrap book for the kids). We also had people write down memories about Tim, for the kids. The day of his burial was especially hard on us, not only was the bitter cold wind blowing, which made it even harder to imagine him going into the ground, but later that night, we recieved a phone call that Tim's uncle had passed away after they returned home from the services.

Lonnie and I did divorced several years after this, but not because of Tim.